I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
