Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
