i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
