My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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