I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
