She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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