there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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