Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Randomize
