Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
