I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
