I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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