I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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