I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My dick has a subreddit
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
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