for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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