I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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