Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
Randomize
