pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
