The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
