good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
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