Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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