i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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