dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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