a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
