this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
