I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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