well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
