Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
