you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
