Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I could make wine with my vomit
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
