New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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