im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
