I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
