After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
