Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
What drink are we having for lunch?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
