last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
