Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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