The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
