she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
