I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
