worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
