the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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