Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Randomize
