soooo we both peed the bed last night...
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
