Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
