Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
as a side note pls kill me
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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