roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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