I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
