Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
