I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
