either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
